The plan was this:
at 7:45 or so, get in the car. Drive 1 hour 45 minutes to Klamath falls. Arrive at Klamath Falls at 9:30. Run ticket through qwikscan kiosk, get real ticket. Wait. Get on train.
Go home. Regain sanity.
It is important that you know this, so that you can understand how I am now sitting in a hotel room, still crying, and you can tell exactly how wrong the plan went.
"How come it never goes smooth?" --Captain Malcolm Reynolds.
So I lied to my roommate. I do that a lot, actually. I told her that the train left at 9:30 (it left at 10) and that the trip took 2 hours.
We got to the train station at 10:15
Because she needed to take a shower.
Take.
A.
Shower.
BITCH you gon be in a car with me! You don' need no stinkin' shower!
So we finally get out to the car at 8:20, and we start the drive.
And there was something that I totally underestimated.
Jessica* is a TERRIBLE driver. Like, you think I'm a bad driver, but no. She makes me look like I passed my driving test on the first try!** She makes me look...competent. She makes me look skilled.
So we're driving down a windy (not like full or wind. Like being not straight) mountain road to get to Klamath Falls, and she slows WAY the fuck down.
Now, for those of you who don't know, I drive Baby Beast. Baby Beast is green, his breaks don't work too well...he's basically Blue Citrus if Blue Citrus was a two-and-a-half-ton truck. I also drive on windy mountain roads a lot. I know how to drive around turns, which allows me to get up to speeds close to HALF what a normal person would take the turns at.
Let's just say, if you're taking turns slower than I would, you are driving too slow.
In Baby Beast, I could have gotten here in half the time she did in her little volvo.
Volvo, guys. VOLVO. They're boxy and safe and they handle FANTASTICALLY. YOU. CAN. TAKE. THAT. 20MPH. TURN. GOING. FASTER. THAN. 15.
In fact, YOU. CAN. TAKE. THAT. 20MPH. TURN. AT. 25.
Or, if you're me, in Baby Beast. YOU. CAN. TAKE. THAT. 20MPH. TURN. AT. 35.
In her little car, YOU. CAN. FUCKING. TAKE. THAT. TURN. GOING. 55. I. KNOW. I. DRIVE. 193. WITH. BETH. I. KNOW. HOW. FAST. YOU. CAN. GO. FUCKING. MOVE. BECAUSE. I. CAN'T. MISS. MY. TRAIN.
So then we drive, and she SLOWS. DOWN. TO. READ. EVERY. ROAD. SIGN.
EVERY. SINGLE. SIGN.
FOR. THE. LOVE. OF. APOPHIS. AND. ALL. THE. OTHER. GOA'ULD!
AND ALL THEIR JAFFA.
AND ALL THE TOK'RA
AND MORENA BACCARIN.
So we FINALLY get to Klamath.
And we get lost.
And so she goes into Safeway to ask for directions.
And the first thing she does is get on her phone.
And call her brother.
And talk.
For.
20.
Minutes.
LADY IF THE TRAIN WAS RUNNING LATE YOU JUST FUCKED UP MY CHANCES OF GOING HOME!
It is 10:15.
And I'm like
I'ma slap da ho.
I'ma slap da ho!
And so I say, "Look, I'm going to get out of the car and stay here."
And she's suddenly caring for me. And she's like, "No, I can't let you stay here."
And I'm like, BITCH I DON'T GIVE A FUCK GET OUT OF MY WAY.
And she's like, "I can't let you stay outside."
And I'm like, AS SOON AS I GET RID OF YOU I WILL BE ABLE TO THINK DRIVE BACK TO ASHLAND PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
So I give in.
And I get a hotel room, because my dad bought me AAA for Christmas last year, and this was the 3rd time I've had to use it but it's okay because I'm like a gold member or something.
So we walk into the lobby, which was thankfully still open, and I'm crying my brains out of my nose, and Jessica's smiling her happy smile, and I try to talk and I'm too stressed and I can't talk and so the lady gives me a room and kind of promises to take care of me, and Jessica leaves, convinced that I'm in good hands.
And I legitly think I'm staying in a brothel.
Like the doors have "In use" signs that pop up when you latch the deadbolt.
But, on the bright side, if you were under 21 or lived within 250 miles, you have to register via credit card. So I guess probably not a brothel.
Also, the password for the wifi, when I asked:
"The login name is Jesus, and the password is Christ, all lowercase."
Anyway, tomorrow I will have all sorts of time between 11:00 when I have to check out and 10 PM when the train is, and I'll get the joy of transferring my ticket and lovely shit like that, so expect another suitably frustrated blog post tomorrow.
DFTBA.
__
*Not her real name.
**I mean, I did, but that's beside the point!
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